Heartbreak Hotel.

I'm not sure where to begin.
Parts of me want to cry. Others want to lash out in rage. A small trickle of apathy.

Today we were supposed to talk to Mama. The supervisor of the orphanage I work for.
Over the past few days it has become quite clear how illigitemate the schooling situation is where I work. The 'teachers' are not qualified, there is a lack of supplies and no structure. These kids are not getting what they deserve. I mean for got sakes I am teaching these kids science, i have no experience, no idea about how to go about it. I contemplated for a long time whether or not to write about this. But I can't pretend it's not happening. Plus I am more frustrated than I have ever been. However. I know I am not powerless.

The headmaster of the school (who is a man who has not been to university and has never been a teacher, just has the biggest heart in the world and wants to help these kids.) has aggreed with us, the school is not efficient. These kids deserve the same opportunity as the other children in the community and they deserve to go to public school where they might actually have a stab at learning how to read. I told him we were willing to raise funds to pay for basic schooling fees in the public school system. (30 for girls, 38 Cedi's a year. - right now 1 Cedi is about 1.50 dollars last I checked.) He loved the idea. I had it all planned out. Ali Smart you would be proud, I thought often of the grow chart and organized what needed to be done. I had heard from another volunteer from a different organization that Mama was a stubborn and hard lady to get through to. I found out that she does not want to send the kids to school elsewhere because it will hurt her reputation at the home. It would be admitting she needs time to grow. To raise enough funds to have a legitamate school. My anger is like a fire when I think of this again. Anyway. I decided to give it a try myself. See if my father's lessons in speaking and my ability to seem extremely organized and ready even if I'm not could convince this woman to screw her reputation for a while so these kids have a chance in life. I know 14 year olds who cannot read. It is hard not to throw something at Mama. But I have kept my patience. Mom - somehow I have learned from you to smile when I really just want to throw punches, which is an extremely good quality to have right now.

So today we were to meet with her. The headmaster was to go with us for support and try to convince her. I had my lists, my flow charts, I was ready. I wanted to convince her to scale the school down to a day care, send the others to public and slowly build her idea for a school at the home from scratch and ground up. Seems reasonable.

As I was standing in a shower area discussing how to paint it with some volunteers a knock came. The headmaster told me Mama said she will not agree to discuss such things with me, but that I should raise money and send it to her. My heart turned to flames. My heart got angry. I told him to tell her this is rediculous. I am not giving her money if she wont even have a conversation with me. I told him I cant agree to anything unless she talks with me and I will not send money knowing it will not get spent properly but rather to make the orphanage look good, instead of making it work well.

I am in the most unethical, rediculous, immoral situation i have Ever been in.

So i left. I went to the public school nearby. Notebook in hand, my father would be proud. I wanted to see what I was fighting for. I was beyond suprized. The school had everything a child needs. Walls. Roofs. Toilets. Teachers in each room. A lesson plan. Books. Pencils. Structure. Real life education. For next to free, a safe 15 minute walk away. I plan on doing everything in my power to make sure the kids, the ones I have literally fallen for, get a chance to be successfull. I Love them. They will get what they deserve. I have suddenly realized I will make a good mother, but for now, all my motherly instincts are flooding into this. It is not fair. These kids are being used as guinea pigs and reputation builders amoung an overly zealous religous community and it makes me sick to my stomach.

Tonight I will talk with projects abroad, the group I came to Ghana with and arranged my placement. I will ask them to use their clout to help back me. I will ask them to try to do everything. If this does not work Vicky and I have decided to go to the ministry of education here in Ghana and as individuals seperate from Projects Abroad, report the school. A friend said she heard on the news that some orphanages were getting reviewed, out of 42 only 5 were up to standard schooling wise. So i know they will not ignore my reports. At least I can hope. I pray it does not come to this. I pray something this rediculous gets solved, it should not even be an issue. I cannot see injustice at this level and not act. Every fiber in my body is crying out. I refuse to submit to the idea of being helpless. I am not powerless. I cannot accept the situation and go home withot doing everthing in my power to change it. I would never forgive myself. Wish us luck.

I love you all.