I have miss you very much.

Today has been a roller coaster, something I am expecting to not cease for some time. I feel like for a while I will go through these intense emotions, one minute I want to leave and be back in my families presence, the next I feel like im sinking, that it's all ending too soon. I know I am ready to see everyone, ready to say hello again. But I had no idea how attached I could get to people in a month. I've learned to love these kids in a way I didnt think I could in such a short time.

Today was the last day at work at Drifting Angels. I did not think it would be so hard. On one of their breaks I wrote. -
My heart is in my throat. Pulsing there I try hard not to leak. The lump of sadness rests there, expands and contracts. Builds pressure in my lungs and behind my eyes.
Why does there always have to be a goodbye.
Milli, don't cry, I will be back. I say hopefully.
Why do they have to live so far?
A thousand hot knives in my heart stick firmly there as I watch her cry. I swallow. It almost breaches the surface and somehow I push the lump back down. I want to bawl and weep. It is like I am saying goodbye to the most infamous lover I have ever had. These kids have touched me in such a deep, passionate way.
I don't want to say goodbye.
I have never felt like this before, my stomach is in knots. I am slipping. Cant reach land. I want to burst into tears and hug them for eternity.
I dont want to leave.
I want this last couple of hours to last a lifetime and drip into every second of the rest of my life. I want to stay.
I dont know how to act. I am trying so hard to be calm, still, happy, relaxed.
Not crying.
The pit of my stomach churns its hot thick somber gooey mess and my limbs are heavy.
A part of me will be left here forever.


But then. It passed. At least for now. Vicky and I did our normal rutein of corn and pastries, we walked up the hill and sweated way too much. We sat on the corner with our fan ice. Not much has been said today between us. We both feel the weight of goodbyes so heavy on our hearts it is hard to be completly normal. But on the other hand we are bright in the prospect of home. Monday I will be on a plane and Tuesday I finally see my family, I am so excited. Today I found out my Dad will also be at the airport because my Yiayia is doing better. Praise Jesus! As Big Mama would say.

The experience here has gone from adventure to downright home, I will miss this place like hell. I will miss Big Mama and her undying kindness. Peace and the way she shows me her art, drawing me with peace signs all over and rainbow eyes. I will miss the boys, their silly games of yelling in the morning. I will even miss waking up to the loudest church service you have ever heard next to my head. I will never forget getting adorned with hand made beads to show appreciation from the Church's Pastor I went to in order to show his thanks for coming. Watching Auntie make egg stew and have her laugh at us. The shower randomly turning off and the constant feeling of a bloated belly. The conversations, realizations, and the friendship I have built with Vicky, the people I have met here and their smiles I will carry in my pocket forever. I will never forget any of it. I will keep in contact. I cherish every last moment here and know when I come back I will be so greatful for not only the love I learned here but what I realized about home through this journey. I love America. So deeply. I love my family more than words and have no idea what I would do without them. I miss you John. I miss you Mom and Dad. I can't wait to see you tuesday. I cant wait to potentially break into tears over the long awaited trip to olive garden and salad. I cant wait for flagstaff and all the beautiful people there. I am so beyond blessed to have every single one of you in my life. I am so blessed to have this experience and if I can give any advice it would be to travel if you can. The best learning experiences lie in travel, things books and stories can not give you. Experience life, go out and conquer it and never forget how wonderful your home is. I know I won't.

I.Love.You.All.From.The.Bottom.Of.My.Heart.